You, Me and Us.

First, I'd like to thank Antra and Rich Borofsky, two of the best relationship therapists I know, for introducing me to this protocol. Often in intimate relationships, an argument or even a discussion turns into a contest about who gets heard. In extreme situations, this may result in both partners escalating emotionally and raising their voices to be heard over the other partner. What each of the partners is saying by their behavior is that they want to be heard, and don't feel the other partner is really listening.

"Of Course, I'm listening..." says the partner. "I hear every word s/he is saying!" Maybe. But there's a deeper level of listening that results in understanding. Should you find yourself in this kind of situations try this:

There's an argument or heated discussion happening. What if one partner interupts whatever the subject of conversation is and simply says, "ME!" What if the other partner stops arguing and says "YOU!". That instants establishes a dynamic where one partner has the floor, and the other partner's job is to listen and ask questions. What kind of questions, you may ask? "Tell me more!" is always good. That indicates that partner wants to understand their partner's issue or concern. Following, "tell me more'" the listening/asking partner then mirrors what s/he has heard - so, something like: "If I understand you correctly, what you're saying is...Is that correct? Am I missing anything?" You can imagine that this conversation allows partners to really feel heard. Once the first partner can accurately tell the other what they have heard, leaving out not a single relevant detail; even using the partner's exact words, they can switch roles. Feeling completely heard, the first partner can say, "YOU!" which means that the attention has shifted to the other partner and it is his/her to share their experience and have their partner do the asking and mirroring for them. Partners can do this again and again until all that needs to be said and heard (for this time) is complete. Then the partners can look into one another's eyes, and exclaim, "US!" as by sharing and really listening, the YOU and ME is once again an US.