Some reflections on Anger:

Anger Is not good or bad. It simply is. Our culture often refers to anger as a “negative” emotion, implying that there are positive and negative emotions, desirable and undesirable feelings. That is not to say that some feelings FEEL better than others, and anger much of the time feels tight, tense and frightened but still, it’s part of our human experience. Feelings and thoughts are always coming and going- some invited into our minds and bodies, and some which barge in to our awareness  unwelcomed.

In close relationships, anger may arise in response to disappointment, or perceived abandonment. We get angry when we feel unloved, and the anger is the warning that love has abandoned that moment between you. Anger can serve as an alert that something is not right between you and needs attention. When we express anger to someone close,, we are often NOT blaming them, we are simply expressing the feeling that something is not right between you. And here’s where the dynamic can go several ways: If the person can stay present, knowing that the anger is not about them, they can engage, understand, adjust  and together  both parties can move toward a better connection - a healing that comes from the simple act of being willing to be present and connected through love.

On the other hand, if the person is unable or unwilling to stay present, feeling some deep shame that’s been triggered by the anger, the relationship has, actually, at least for the moment, been abandoned, and the anger may deepen into hopelessness and rage.

It is likely that we react to anger based on our childhood experiences, If, when we got angry, our parents judged and punished us, we are likely to run for the hills when a partner (or a boss, child, sibling, parents, etc.,) expresses anger.

On the other hand, we may confront anger with our own - I”M angry that YOU’RE Angry…” simply escalating the energy fueling the anger. We may recall feeing angry at a parent who punished us when we were too small to fight back and defend ourselves; when we were not allowed to be angry.

It may be that anger is an assertion of “I AM” during times in a relationship when someone  might feel unseen.

If healing happens in relationship, it is because one party has met the other, in love, when the person is expressing “negative” (or unpleasant) emotions. IN that moment, the person’s willing behavior offers unconditional love, telling the angry person that ALL of them, including their anger, is loved and welcome.

For many humans that level of self acceptance is radical and requires a willingness to change behaviors in order  to experience deeper love.