Understanding Hetero Relationships

Relationships. Long term marriages. Always fascinating, often problematic. If you can think back through history, you'll see that men and women married for practical reasons: He, brought home the bacon (or the avocados...); She took care of the house, the kids, the social life. Then, somewhere in the 1960s, many of us threw stereotypical roles out the window, and pretended we were all the same, and everyone could do everything, equally well. That didn't quite work out - as anyone can see judging by the over 50% rate of divorce (and who knows how many unhappy marriages!) in our America.

New neurobiological research is showing us today that men and women are WIRED differently. That should come as no surprise. Women (as the only gender capable of reproducing) are wired for multitasking, and to protect their young (even in cave days) needed to be vigilant lest some beast showed up to steal food or eat their kids. Men, however, were wired to focus: Focus on the hunt. Focus on bringing back the beast to feed the women and children. And despite decades of massive cultural changes, where women are CEOs and men are stay at home dads, our wiring remains distinctly different.

Recently, there have been MEN posting videos intended for men, explaining what goes awry in many intimate relationships: Women need to feel SAFE in order to relax and be the soft, delightful beings they are capable of being. AND GUYS, safety is not the same as avoiding violence at home. SAFETY requires presence. Here is where the story gets really interesting...

Men often feel attacked when women bring their hurt, anger, disappointments to their male partners. It's as if the men feel somehow responsible for fixing their female partners, and when they can't they feel helpless, useless and shamed and often interpret their partner's complaints as clear evidence of their failure as men. NOT SO AT ALL. For centuries masculinity has been associated with power and dominance, a perversion of true masculinity. REAL masculinity is about PRESENCE. It's being able to hold a space with love and curiosity for their female partners - so that she feels heard. When you hold the space, you are making her feel safe. Just try it. I've asked many women about this and they tell me (and I know first hand!) that when their male partners hold a space for them to share their feelings, replacing defensiveness or the need to fix with curiosity; women can actually feel their muscles relaxing and their demeanor softening.

Another important element in intimate communication is so obvious, it's easy to overlook: We use words to communicate and no two people are likely to mean exactly the same thing using identical words. So it's important to ask: "What do you mean when you say "You seem preoccupied?" Or, "What do you mean when you say you want to connect?" We make assumptions that we're speaking the same language, when in fact, every communication is nuanced. It's a good rule of thumb to avoid making assumptions and instead, be curious and ask. I have watched numerous couples making this shift and it's like watching a magic show as the man turns toward his woman and says, "tell me more!" (if you're a guy, please make sure you're breathing when you do this!) and the woman shares, as her shoulders drop, her face softens and her voice drops several decibels. The bottom line here is -

Real Power (not toxic masculinity) is PRESENCE.